These are guidelines for polite behavior in the BDSM scene. It's based on observations, personal experiences, conversations with peers, mailing list & newsgroup postings,
workshops, web pages, magazine articles, books, and personal mistakes. While some items of higher protocol are covered, these notes are mainly to address the most common social situations.

This article is introductory. It is not meant to be a "complete guide."

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene
Etiquette and Leather Protocol

Version 2.09

By Ambrosio

Version 1.00 first posted May 31, 1999
Version 2.00 first posted May 31, 2005
(formerly entitled "Basic Protocol and Etiquette"
and "Some Notes on Basic Protocol and Etiquette")

This article is dedicated to Beverly M. in Austin

The Entire Article on a Single Page

General Principles

Good Manners vs. Correct Protocol

Etiquette and protocol enable peaceful interactions and avoid unnecessary conflict. There's a well known anecdote that illustrates this: A wealthy society matron -- sometimes identified as Queen Victoria, sometimes identified as a Vanderbilt or Astor -- was hosting a lavish formal dinner. One of her guests was from another country and he was not familiar with "finger bowls." He didn't realize that the bowls of water with a slice of lemon floating in them were for cleaning fingers. He picked up the bowl and drank from it. Rather than embarrassing him with a correction, the hostess picked up her own bowl and drank from it. Soon all the other dinner guests followed suit.

They might not have followed the correct protocol but they were practicing good manners. In short, protocol and etiquette are not meant to ostracize and humiliate. Those who do so are practicing non-consensual abuse.

↑ Back to Top

Essential Guidelines in the BDSM Scene

• Avoid making assumptions
• Be honest
• Be self aware: know your own wants, needs, and limitations.
• Don't touch someone else's property without permission -- whether it is a toy or a person
• Be tolerant
• Respect other people
• Respect other people's relationships
• Respect other people's sexuality
• Respect other people's gender identification
• Be polite: Say "please" and "thank you" and apologize when you should.
• Dominant does not mean domineering
• Submissive does not mean doormat
• Be discreet
• Negotiate play and play consensually
• Don't scare the vanillas
• The actions of the submissive or slave reflect on the dominant.
• The choice of dominant reflects on the taste and values of the submissive.

↑ Back to Top

Desirable Virtues and Values

Desirable virues and values in the BDSM and Leather scenes include:

• Empathy for others
• Desire to learn
• Concern for safety
• Honesty and integrity
• Investment in the community
• Sense of humor and an willingness to laugh at oneself
• Flexibility
• Listening and communication skills
• Self knowledge

↑ Back to Top

Avoiding Assumptions

BDSM is something most of us have fantasized about for a long time before we are exposed to it in reality. It's natural that our concept of BDSM is more often based on works of fiction --- like Pauline Reage's Story of O, Ann Rice's "Beauty" Trilogy, or John Norman's "Gor" series --- rather than the non-fiction guides like S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman or Learning the Ropes by Race Bannon. It's easy to build up an elaborate fantasy that doesn't really prepare us for the mundane "normal" reality of ordinary people forming real human relationships.

Larry Townsend explains this in The Leatherman's Handbook: Enjoy what literature you will, but your training will come entirely through experience. Never confuse the two. What you read is somebody else's fantasy -- at best, his idea of how the scene should work. What you do is your reality. (p. 46)

If you are just getting involved it's good to take a low-key, slow paced approach. Start by finding out what's expected of you and what you can expect from your new community. Attend socials, meet people, observe, and ask questions. Get to know people on a human level without concerning yourself too much with roles.

↑ Back to Top

Tolerance and Acceptance

In BDSM there is no one true path. The greater BDSM scene consists of a lot of different styles --- Old Guard, Gorean, Biblical, European, etc., --- with contrasting traditions and expectations. There's very little that we all can agree on. Even the seemingly self evident maxim that all play should be Safe, Sane, and Consensual has its dissenters in the people who advocate Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK.)

But if there is one image of BDSM that predominates the popular preception of BDSM in North America it's the style known as "Leather." While the terms "Leather" and "BDSM" are often used interchangeably and while there are many heterosexual couples who identify as being into the "Leather Lifestyle," historically "Leather" connotes "Gay" Leather. Historical scholarship aside, Gay Leather is where the organized BDSM scene is popularly perceived as having started for North Americans. It is commonly accepted that the mostly gay leathermen first started gathering in large groups, forming their own clubs, and organizing events in the 1940s and 1950s. It wasn't until a few decades later that predominantly heterosexual groups formed and when they did, they adopted many of the symbols and traditions of the gay leather groups that preceeded them.  It should follow that the pansexual BDSM community should be largely accepting of Gay people and gay culture. But there are exceptions.

Homophobia is repugnant enough by itself but it becomes repugnant and ridiculous when practiced by straight bigots who adopt the traditions of the minority they fear and denigrate -- kind of like a white supremist who loves rap music.

If you're a straight man or woman in the BDSM scene it's very likely that you'll have opportunities to participate in a fund raiser at the leather bar or an educational event organized by a leather club such as NLA Dallas's "Beyond Vanilla" weekend. They can be a great opportunity to learn something and form valuable friendships with good people with whom you might have more in common with than any of your straight vanilla friends.

Should you attend a fund raiser or other event at a leather bar, be circumspect. Don't overtly draw attention to your orientation. You're in a sanctuary where gay men and women can be comfortable and open about their orientation and it's inconsiderate to be "in their face" about your own heterosexuality. If you get some undue admiration, don't panic, take offense, and explain petulantly that you're "negative 10 in the Kinsey scale." That implies that you view homosexuality as something repugnant with which you are loath to be identified. Just accept it as a sincere compliment and decline gracefully with a brief explanation like "I'm not available, but thank you" or "You're great for my ego, but I'm spoken for." If someone asks about your orientation then by all means answer truthfully -- but don't draw undue attention to your orientation.

Furthermore, it should go without saying that this is not the place to pursue a liaison with the opposite sex. (Stranger things have happened but you risk making an annoying pest of yourself if you try.)

In summary, respect alternatives. Homophobia, racism, and BDSM don't mix. But then again, what does mix well with homophobia and racism?

↑ Back to Top

Honesty and Integrity

Consensuality is dependant on honesty.

• It happens on occasion that couples will get married before realizing they are sexually incompatible. One is hopelessly vanilla and repulsed by BDSM while the other is hopelessly kinky and bored by vanilla. I sympathize with the dilemma of a spouse who is sexually unfulfilled but can't leave the relationship. I can understand why they might choose to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. But I don't have sympathy for someone who lies about having a spouse or forgets to mention it to potential lovers or play partners. They are seeking to involve someone in a non consensual act of adultery.
• If you are a novice looking for a someone to play with let them know you are new to the scene. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being a novice does not make you a bad player but lying about your level of experience is dangerous for everyone. Your partners have the right and need to know how experienced you are. I was fortunate in that my first BDSM relationship was with a very knowledgeable and patient woman who -- while submitting to me -- taught me some of my most important lessons in BDSM.

BDSM is very intimate. It's only right and proper to be completely honest with anyone you involve yourself with in the scene.

↑ Back to Top

Dominant vs. Domineering

There's an understandable but regrettable tendency to confuse the role of the dominant with being domineering. You don't have to be overbearing to be a dominant. (Just as you have to be a throw rug to be a submissive.) It's possible to be polite and dominant.

Don't be pushy; Don't coerce. Don't force your attentions on someone who doesn't want them. This sends a very bad message: No one wants to play with someone who is too pushy. Dominants don't like pushy submissives and submissives can't trust a coercive dominant. If the dominant won't accept a submissive's "no" in the public setting is it likely the dominant will accept the limits of an isolated, defenseless submissive in bondage?

↑ Back to Top

Discretion

BDSM is usually a very private part of people's lives. If word gets out of a person's involvement it could cost him his livelihood, his standing in the community, and even custody of his children. Don't talk about someone else's activities in BDSM to anyone outside our community that doesn't have a right and need to know. BDSM groups take privacy very seriously. They have been known to revoke membership over the matter.

People in the scene are usually known by their first names or "scene names" (pseudonyms.) The obvious exception is when they are in an intimate relationship. They would also share their last name with someone with whom they wanted to play, and who required identification and/or references.

↑ Back to Top

Don't Scare the Vanillas

It could be argued that this maxim is an extension of the guideline for being discreet or a further elaboration of the mantra of "Safe, Sane, Consensual," but because it deserves special attention, it gets a section of its own.

This Maxim is known by several variations:

• Don't scare the vanillas
• Don't scare the (little) old ladies
• Don't scare the villagers
• Don't scare the horses

Whomever it is that doesn't get scared, the meaning is the same: don't intimidate people outside our community. But more specifically it means "don't force your kink on someone who doesn't share it" and "don't expose it to someone underage."

Sometimes at large leather events at hotels, people who are normally discreet in their own neighborhoods are swept away by a sense of community and solidarity into a false sense of invulnerability. They can make error judgments about what is appropriate to wear or how to behave in the more public areas of the hotel. Not only is it horribly inappropriate to expose our kink to children, but it is rude to the parents, the hotel owners, the hotel staff, and the event organizers who must deal with the repercussions.

[NOTE: This last example, while it happens, is not a common occurrence. If anything -- in these interesting times -- our neo-tribe is learning to be more discreet than it has been over the last 20 years. Most annual events are successes for the attendees, organizers, and the host hotels.]

↑ Back to Top

More Specific Guidelines

Socializing & Networking

Socializing takes place at muches, general meetings, runs, and parties. Munches are semi-public gatherings of BDSM enthusiasts for the purpose of socializing. They often take place in the private rooms of public restaurants but they can also take place in shopping mall food courts, bars, city parks, the main dining area of restaurants, and private homes.

• Novices are often afraid to attend their first social or munch. Perhaps they are afraid that they will be expected to participate in an initiation ritual. They needn't be. Generally, munches are for socializing not play.
• If the munch is restricted to a private room in a public restaurant, restrict scene related discussions and actions to the private room.
• It's common for people running a munch group to get letters and emails from strangers expecting to be matched up with sex partners. Most BDSM groups are social organizations, not dating services. Although the clubs officers hope people find like-minded partners at socials, they don't encourage a "meat market" atmosphere. If have no interest in getting to know people, you won't have much success finding someone with whom to play. Can someone feel safe with a dominant who isn't concerned with whom they play? Does a top feel appreciated by someone who wanmts to bottom to them without knowing anything about them?
• Try to meet a variety of people at munches -- not just the people with whom you want to sleep or play.
• Befriend novices and shy people. When you see unfamiliar people who aren't talking to anyone but seem as though they would like to, then go over to them and introduce yourself. If they seem receptive, start a conversation, answer any questions they might have, and introduce them to other people they might want to know. That small act of friendliness can do a great deal of good.
• Don't inquire about a person's profession or business. Some might volunteer that information and many people aren't concerned about keeping them secret but some people want to keep their professional life separate from their scene life.

For more on socials, munches, and bashes, please read the following three articles:

• "What To Expect At a Munch" by Mistress Constance at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/constance01.cfm
• "A Beginners' Guide to Munches" by Stu at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/begmunch.cfm .
  This article was written specifically for the British BDSM community. But while some of the particular information doesn't apply outside the UK, a lot of it is relevant to the scene in other countries -- the U.S. being one.
• "What To Expect At a Bash" by Mistress Constance at http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/constance03.cfm

↑ Back to Top

Dress

You don't have to be dressed in a $500 designer latex cat suit to fit in. The models in <<O>> and Taste of Latex are not representative of the scene in general. The players come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and orientations. As Ani DiFranco sings "You don't have to be a supermodel to do the animal thang." BDSM doesn't have to be about conspicuous consumption and outrageous fashion statements. It can be -- if that's your kink -- but it doesn't have to be.

So how should you dress? It depends on the function and your area.

• Socials, Club Meetings, and Munches: The dress code for munches in public restaurants -- even the private rooms of public restaurants -- vary greatly according by region. In Silicon Valley the munch might take place in the center of a resturant with attendees in handcuffs and none of the vanilla customers will give it another glance. In the Bible Belt, the munch might take place in the private room of a family resturant and the guests asked to dress conservatively. In general, for semi-public munches or socials it's best that you not wear anything objectionable like a transparent blouse or an exposed thong. There are two considerations behind this:
  • Consideration for the resturant's management which wants to appeal to a family clientele. After all, the munch organizers would like to be welcomed back.
  • Consideration of the munch membership -- who feel varying degrees of comfort with being identified as part of our sub-culture. Some of us are afraid to be identified as being a "pervert." If they're seen associating with "leather clad bikers" and scantily clad "exotic dancers" it might hurt their public reputation and cause real harm.
  Most groups encourage dress creatively within the dress code. One man in San Antonio likes to wear a military school jacket and black latex pants. Other groups in other states prefer that you dress as vanilla as possible. While tasteful collars that look like necklaces are welcome, dog collars from the sale bin at PetsMart may not be. When in doubt, dress like you're going to a PTA meeting.
• Parties: For parties, dress for your own enjoyment or for the pleasure of your significant other. Just be sure to wear something over your more "inspired" clothing -- or lack of it -- when you're outside the party space. Acceptable party wear can include
  • Classic: black leather
  • Fantasy: harem girls, priest, nuns, catholic school girls, barbarian warriors, etc.,
  • SCA: period costumes
  • Formal: dinner jackets, dresses
  • Goth
  • Drag / Cross dressing
  • Nudity or near nudity
  • Black clothes
  The only thing that occurs to me as being borderline unacceptable is the "preppy bar hopping" look in which the attendee makes absolutely no effort to fit in. It looks like he has stopped by for a few minutes before heading to a trendy singles bar.
  
  In some cases, because of legal consideration, complete nudity might not be permitted. When in doubt, check with the host.
• Leather Bars and Runs: There is a rather consistent uniform for the leather scene. While deviation is acceptable, it's traditionally a variation of the classic biker uniform:
  • leather cap or cloth bandana
  • plain white t-shirt
  • blue jeans
  • leather belt worn with the jeans
  • leather chaps worn over the jeans (or over a leather thong or g-string)
  • leather pants
  • leather boots
  (NOTE: in some high protocol circles, a novice would not wear leather -- just a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans.)
  
  That's not to imply that the uniform hasn't evolved a bit. Someone with more experience in the Leather community than the author writes:

  The most suprising change, to me, is that blue jeans are much rarer than black jeans now. Grey or black t-shirts outnumber white. Usually, the t-shirts don't have logos or writing but t-shirt from the leather community (bar, store, etc.) is OK.

  There are some other odd variances--Boston seems to have the tightest dress codes in the country, New Orleans the loosest. During a leather run, the rules are relaxed, not tightened (so friends and partners who are not into leather can join leatherfolk out at the bars).

  That said, the leather look is a "classic" look and it is well served by economy. To quote Larry Townsend again (The Leatherman's Handbook, p. 142):

  On the whole, I think the more subdued costume is the most effective, regardless of the action you're seeking. The guy who affects an obvious pose, who wears clothing which is calculated to stand out under the black lights in many bars is not going to do well as his more conservatively dressed counterpart. The leather-bike people tend to favor a less-flamboyant sexuality, although an impressive basket is never unappreciated.

When in doubt, err on the side of caution.

↑ Back to Top

S.A.M.

S.A.M. can mean "smart ass masochist" also known as a "brat." As the name implies, S.A.M.s are non-submissive masochistic bottoms who -- under the pretext of submission -- become deliberately disobedient and disrespectful to their dominants in order to provoke punishment. While many doms dislike this sort of manipulation and consider it "topping from below,", S.A.M. behavior can be appropriate -- if all parties enjoy and consent to it. Some doms call any bottoms who choose not to submit to them a S.A.M. when in fact, it is a bottom's prerogative to choose to whom they submit. To be a real S.A.M., a bottom must be inappropriately and intentionally rude, disrespectful, and provocative.

BTW, playful bratty behavior -- while often unacceptable in the BDSM scene -- is quite common and acceptable in the spanking scene where D/s is not an essential component.

↑ Back to Top

Touching Others

Casual touching seems like a bigger irritant in our scene than in society as a whole. I know a lot of female dominants who get notably irritated when someone touches them, their toys, or their subs without permission. I once saw a novice male dominant reaching over to touch the hand of a dominant woman he didn't know and ask her "Are you a sub or a domme?" He found out very quickly.

↑ Back to Top

Gender Identification

Drag Queens and Sissies: It is correct form to address and refer to a drag queen or a sissy as female. It is considered bad form to disparage a drag queen no matter how poorly they pass as female. That is especially true in the Gay Leather scene.

Butch: Some butch women prefer to be addressed as men and to be referred to with male pronouns. Some do not. When meeting a butch woman for the first time, the best advice is to ask "how do you prefer to be addressed?" You might forget yourself and use the incorrect pronoun on occasion but that is very common and most butch women are very forgiving if they can tell you are trying.

No matter how confused and flustered you might become over a person's gender, you must never refer to them as "it." Not being sure about a person's gender is one thing but to refute their humanity is inhumane.

↑ Back to Top

Apologizing

Rudeness is inexcusable in both dominants and submissives. Even if a master orders his slave to get refreshments, the slave cannot push aside people in her way or cut in line. And a dominant may not touch someone else's property -- or even an unattached submissive -- without permission. A dominant or submissive who is rude should apologize -- truly apologize.

In "Elements of an Apology," the late Tammad Rimilia describes a proper apology:

... the elements of an apology are these:

1) A restatement of what it was that you did that was wrong,

2) A statement that you regret doing that wrong thing, and

3) A promise to try not to do similar things wrong in the future.

The first element allows the recipient of the apology to feel confident that the apologist is actually thinking about the same event or act that they are. The second element conveys that the apologist is keenly sorry for what they did, and the third element gives hope that the future will proceed better.

... an apology does not feel sincere unless it incorporates all three elements.

In addition to the elements which Tammad Rimilia lists, etiqutte expert Llewellyn Miller offers the following:

• Acknowledging the offense
• Recognizing your responsibility
• Explaining why you made the mistake
• Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
• Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
• Apologizing for the pain or discomfort
• Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

A real apology does not put the blame on the injured party or someone else. A real apology does not emphasize the excuse over the regret. A real apology is not delivered in a manner that trivializes the offense.

Marsha L. Wagner offers an excellent illustration on the difference between a poor apology and a proper apology: The New York Senator Alfonse M. D'Amato mocked Judge Ito on the radio by referring to him as "Little Judge Ito" and adopting an offensive stereotypical Japanese sounding accent. The senator was widely criticized for what seemed like racial slurs and he was encouraged to apologize. In his first attempt, he issued a brief written statement through his office:

If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. I was making fun of the pomposity of the judge and the manner in which he's dragging the trial out.

That only made the situation worse so he apologized again. This time he made the following statement personally:

I'm here on the Senate floor to give a statement as it relates to that episode. It was a sorry episode. As an Italian-American, I have a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic stereotypes. I fully recognize the insensitivity of my remarks about Judge Ito. My remarks were totally wrong and inappropriate. I know better. What I did was a poor attempt at humor. I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused Judge Ito and others. I offer my sincere apologies.

The second apology was acceptable where the first was not.

In summary, a full apology consists of the following:

1. Acknowledging the offense
2. Admitting that the offense was wrong
3. Explaining why you made the mistake
4. Recognizing your responsibility
5. Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
6. Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
7. Promising to try not to make the same mistake in the future. (Or in the case of major betrayals, never to make the same mistake again.)
8. Apologizing for the discomfort or pain
9. Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

[Sources:
  "Elements of an Apology" by Tammad Rimilia at http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/,
  "Apologies and Excuses" in The Encyclopedia of Etiquette   by Llewellyn Miller, and
  "Apologies" by Marsha L. Wagner at http://www.ombuds.uci.edu/JOURNALS/1996/apologies.html}

↑ Back to Top