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Dating and Communication

Safety Concerns When Looking for a Partner

(If you are new to this lifestyle and you are looking for a partner please read one of these important articles.)

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Advice on Finding a Partner -- the hottest fetish site on the net

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Posting Personal Ads on Usenet Newsgroups


Join - largest BDSM/Alternative Lifestyle Personals!

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Posting Personal Ads on Mailing Lists

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Posting Personal Ads on the World Wide Web

  • my favorite personals site despite the high costs they charge for using their premium services. While you can post a profile for free, any worthwhile use of their services are costly.
  • With, is one of the two major BDSM personals sites.
  • I first heard of this site around March 2004. It's attractive, professional, fast, and free. Setting up an account and profile is quick and easy but the usability for navigating and searching needs a little improvement. I expect that the people behind this site will continue to improve on their work and that will rank with and as the three main BDSM personals web sites.
  • Other Sex includes an online personals section but it requires that you join.
  • has a free personal's section and you are not required to join.
  • Informed Consent (UK)
  • B and belle's BDSM Palace: Many ads but there doesn't seem a way to sort them by location, orientation, or gender. Pages run oldest to newest.
  • Fetish
  • Wildside Adult Personals

Wanted: a special Central Texas female submissive or Switch.

Looking for Someone Special?Ambrosio's Personal Ad
So Am I.

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  • When you've meet someone you like and trust and with whom you wish to play, negotiate your play session first.
  • Negotiation in the SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ
  • Negotiation and Negotiation Forms by Jay Wiseman
  • Negotiations by Sir Bamm!
  • Fill out a negotiation form and checklist like the frequently reposted Submissive BDSM Play Partner Check List. In addition to HTML, I've posted it in Word 6 format which prints better. (My thanks to baebe for her work in revising the MS Word doc.)
  • Soulhaven's BDSM Checklist: Another online checklist but more extensive, flexible, and dynamic list than mine. The owners write "The BDSM Play Partner Checklist is a convenient way of finding out where someone's interests lie. Just because someone's a Dom/me, it doesn't mean that every sub is perfect for them, or vice-versa. The checklist allows you to let people know both whether or not you've participated in a given activity before and also how you feel about it. It's a great way of getting a basic feel for where someone's limits and squicks lie, though - of course - it's no substitute for taking a lot of time to discover a partner's limits gently and safely and shouldn't be used as such."

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Contracts and Collaring Ceremonies

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Breaking Up

There seems to be plenty of information available about finding a partner, negotiating play, colaring subs, and signing contracts but information on BDSM break-ups seems scant. Which is a shame. Here's a start.
(NOTE: Many of these "Breaking Up" links were suggested by ariana, a lady from Michigan who teaches a workshop entitled "Surviving a D/s Relationship Breakup." Her email address is )

  • Dumped by your Dom? from Dorothy Hayden's A psychotherapist looks at why 'breaking up is hard to do' in a B&D Relationship and how to survive the split.
  • Ask the Therapist: How Do I End a Relationship? by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.: A therapist answers the question "As a submissive, how do I end a D&S relationship without seriously damaging my dominant's ego?"
  • Diary of a Breakup by MP Dunleavy from (vanilla article)
  • Grief and Grieving from WebMD (vanilla article)
  • Book: If the Buddha Dated  by Charlotte Kasl. (New York: Penguin Books, 1999): "In this practical, playful, and spiritual guide, Dr. Kasl shows readers what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide them through the dating process. Kasl brings a compassionate understanding to the anxiety and uneasiness of new love, and helps readers discover their potential for vibrant human connection based on awareness, kindness, and honesty."

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  • Etiquette for the Scene by Rose in the Manners and Traditions section. This is essential reading if you plan on meeting people at munches or play parties.
  • Polyamory and BDSM in the Manners and Traditions section: the choice to practice responsible non-monogamy
  • Getting down to making relationship actually work,   I have to recommend this book: Baldwin, Guy, MS. Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice   Daedalus Publishing Co.: San Francisco, 1993. It's a wonderful collection of very well written and accessible essays covering the interpersonal aspects of the S&M scene. Guy Baldwin is both a psychotherapist and an experienced player. While the essays were originally written for a gay male S&M magazine, it's easy to read past the pronouns and benefit from his insights. It's one of those books you want to share with your friends as soon as you've finished reading it. His essay on the Old Guard is posted in the Manners and Traditions section of this site.

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